if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
