i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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