Im at strip club and am horny
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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