so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize