At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
