I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
