This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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