Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
