I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
