I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You dont lie about slip and slides
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
