In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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