"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize