Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
