either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
