Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
