i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize