listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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