nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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