You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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