We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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