dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize