I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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