I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
