My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
