Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
