so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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