I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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