go do what you do best...puke behind churches
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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