My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I didn't notice because vodka
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
