I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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