and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
