Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
