I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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