Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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