Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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