note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize