he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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