11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I pour the whiskey from now on
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
