One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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