I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
