i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
