You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
