if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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