We won't sleep together?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize