matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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