All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
