Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
