im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
