We're like a lot better than the average bears
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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