I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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