so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
