I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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