just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize