textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
