Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
