Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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