I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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