At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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