I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
