Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
